UNDER5: CANDY UNJUNKED

IN TWEET: BOSTON-BASED UNREAL BRANDS TAKES THE CANDY WE ALL LOVE AND “UNJUNKS” IT. THE RESULT IS A TASTY LINE-UP OF INDULGANT TREATS FROM A VERY COOL COMPANY.

EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS POST ORIGINALLY RAN ON APRIL 20,2013 AND HAS BEEN UPDATED. IF WE FEATURE IT IN AN UNDER5 POST, THAT MEANS IT’S A PRODUCT WE KNOW, USE AND LOVE. YOU CAN BUY THIS STUFF FOR LESS THAN FIVE BUCKS BUT, NO PRODUCT, SERVICE OR COMPANY CAN BUY THEIR WAY INTO AN UNDER5 ON RONTHINK.

SPRING CLEANING WEEK aside, I will admit to having a bit of a sweet tooth. I’m not a pastry guy and I don’t like complex, fussy desserts but, oh boy, do my eyes sparkle in a candy store.

It all started when I was a kid in the tiny town of Norton, MA. I used to parlay my paper route money and make a weekly trip to Hadley’s, a front porch converted into a candy counter. It was run by a kind old lady, Mrs. Hadley, and I’m sure it wasn’t a licensed retail establishment but I didn’t care. I’d buy my baseball cards, Bazooka gum, Marathon bars and M&Ms. Life was sweet…literally.

I still love my candy but, let’s be honest, most of the ingredients are deadly or sound like they came from a science fiction movie. When I heard about UNREAL BRANDS and their supposedly less heinous re-formulations of classic favorites like Snickers and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, I assumed the worst. Who could blame me? Have you ever eaten a “lite” or “low-sugar” candy bar that didn’t taste like paste? Don’t even get me started on the evil that is carob. Seriously, it tastes like old wax.

Imagine my surprise when I finally sampled “candy unjunked” from UNREAL BRANDS and fell in love with the entire line. Not only are they better for you, they taste so much better than their big brand counterparts. No more grainy chocolate, mossy tasting peanuts or the odd film that remains on the roof of your mouth after eating a fist full of M&Ms. Candy unjunked is candy Nirvana.

In fact, I love that you can actually taste each of the ingredients in their own right. The peanuts are fresh and full of flavor. Chocolate is rich, complex and creamy like it was meant to be and, if covered with a candy coating, there’s just enough for a pleasant crunch that compliments the overall experience without overpowering it. Take a look at how they do it (with some help from Gisele, Matt Damon, Tom Brady and John Legend) and why UNREAL BRANDS is a company worth supporting:

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No one is claiming these products are health foods but, what I love about the UNREAL BRANDS philosophy is a passion for taking the ordinary and turning it into something extraordinary simply by making it better for you. Why shouldn’t a candy bar me made from real stuff? Sure, it takes more effort and creativity but the end result is a product you can believe in.

You can buy the UNREAL BRANDS line at CVS, Target and many grocery stores. If you can’t find the products locally, click on any of the images below to order from Amazon. You can also follow the company on Facebook or Twitter and check out their main site.

Click on any image above to order that product from Amazon. The UNREAL BRANDS line includes “unjunked” re-imaginings of plain M&Ms, peanut M&Ms, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers and Milky Way bars. Each of those is a registered trademark of their respective corporate parent and none are affiliated with UNREAL BRANDS in any way. You’re welcome, legal folks. Now, go out and Get Unreal!

THE TOOLBOX: VOGUE FLOPS, A HATER DROPS

“The Toolbox” is our weekly drill down of celebrities, politicians and other news makers who are trending for all the wrong reasons. From questionable thinking and general stupidity to ham-handed decision making and a death long in coming, these five individuals are among the biggest losers of the past seven days.

Sure, Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour can make or break a designer with a snap of her bony fingers but, even she can become a fashion victim. Witness the outcry from all quarters regarding the April issue of Conde Naste’s flagship glossy. What’s all the bitching about? The cover “models” are Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, two mind-numbing idiots who somehow captured Wintour’s clearly questionable imagination. Critics were even more peeved by her editor’s letter, a hooty bit of prose made even more laugh-out-loud hilarious because every word was meant to be taken seriously. When Buffy wants to put a stake in the heart of your publication, you know you’ve gone epic fail. On the up side, Seth Rogan and James Franco had a Photoshop field day at Vogue’s expense.

Speaking of failures, the movers and shakers at GOP High Command apparently figured out that the likes of Victoria Jackson, Mary Lou Retton and Tony Danza aren’t exactly catnip for young voters. What’s a party dominated by white geezers and bunker dwellers to do when attracting elusive millennials is key to long term viability? Enter Scott Greenberg, a douchey 30-something with slicked back hair and hipster glasses. He’s the star of a new ad campaign that’s designed to let the young’uns know it’s OK to vote Republican…at least that’s what it was supposed to do. The social media reaction was brutally vicious and online media outlets had a field day. Greenberg has already become a punching bag for comedians and we’ve barely known him a week. Without even trying, the Right has a “pajama boy” of its very own. Way to win one for The Gipper!

Let’s keep it in the Republican family and give Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal his moment in the spotlight. Despite the fact that Jindal says something asinine almost every time he opens his mouth, it’s his questionable actions of late that earned him a spot on our list. You see, the liberal organization MoveOn.org decided to roll out a media campaign critical of Jindal’s refusal to embrace the Obamacare Medicaid expansion. The ads are a parody of the state’s tourism motto and logo. Apparently, the truth hurt the thin-skinned governor enough that the state of Louisiana has filed a lawsuit against MoveOn.org on the grounds that they are unlawfully using a protected service mark. Never mind that the legal action is a huge waste of money for a cash-strapped state. It’s also given Jindal’s critics a ton of free publicity and made the ad campaign even more effective. Smooth move, Gov.

Richard Quest is very British, very brash and very annoying. He’s a talking head on CNN with a gaping grin that would give The Joker nightmares. You might remember him from his arrest for meth possession back in 2008. Though Quest is primarily a business reporter, the disappearance of Malaysian Airlines flight 370 has apparently awoken his inner aviation expert. Yes folks, only at CNN could helming a monthly show on business travel suddenly make you a go-to guy for commentary on one of the most baffling mysteries in the history of air travel. It doesn’t help matters that Quest punctuates every word of the bullshit he spews with invisible exclamation points. HE’S! THAT! CONVINCED! EVERY! WORD! HE! SPEAKS! IS! A! PEARL! OF! WISDOM! In reality he’s just another cable network gas bag who earns a living passing off rampant speculation as real news.

Fred Phelps is the founder of a cult of inbred wackos known as the Westboro Baptist Church. You might know these folks better as the “God hates fags” contingent. Last week, for the first time in his life, Phelps finally did something good. He died.

Look for another edition of “The Toolbox” next week. CLICK HERE to see all the tools we’ve profiled.