MILEY CYRUS: She Opens Wide
While class acts like Lorde and Meghan Trainor were topping the charts without going topless, a familiar face crawled out of the skank tank. Shocking no one, Miley Cyrus kicked off the new year by spreading for a spread in V magazine. She (and V) dropped a bunch of the photos on Instagram because Cyrus doesn’t think there’s enough female nudity on the internet. Reminiscent of tawdry Polaroids shot 70’s style in the basement of a dirty old man, the latest trash wallow from the reigning queen of Whore Pop will appeal to online cellar dwellers and fans of pseudo kiddie porn. Along with that famous potty mouth, Cyrus can now add her legs to the list of things she can’t keep closed.
NAYA RIVERA: No Ethnic Cleansing
With ratings in the cellar and THE TALK nipping at its heels, daytime disaster THE VIEW is grasping at straws to save itself. You know things are bad when producers resort to a desperation move like dragging a semi-lucid Barbara Walters back on air. As if resurrecting the Crypt Keeper wasn’t pathetic enough, a fired (or not fired, if you believe Rosie O’Donnell) Rosie Perez has been replaced by a rotating roster of much younger guest hosts. Enter GLEE diva Naya Rivera, an apparent dingbat who blew up Twitter for all the wrong reasons. Managing the difficult task of being racially offense to just about everyone, Rivera advanced a bizarro theory that “white people shower a lot more than ethnics.” It was a stunningly ignorant statement that recalled those awful “dirty Mexican/Cuban/Puerto Rican, etc” stereotypes (Rivera, it should be noted, is Puerto Rican and black) and completely ignored perpetually dirty white people like Kristen Stewart, Johnny Depp, Robert Pattinson, Uma Thurman and Mickey Rourke. Rivera was forced to give the obligatory on-air mea culpa but, by then, the damage was done.
RYAN SEACREST: Shits On Sherlock
Perhaps it’s sadly appropriate that the Oscar snub of “Selma” was presaged by someone just as white, vapid and clueless as the majority of Motion Picture Academy voters. Ryan Seacrest, one of the most inexplicably over-employed guys in Hollywood, once again proved himself to be as tiny in intellect as he is in stature. On the red carpet for E! at the Golden Globes, Little Ryan was chatting it up with SHERLOCK star and best actor nominee (for THE IMITATION GAME) Benedict Cumberbatch. Seacrest asked him which movie he watched during his flight from the UK. Cumberbatch, known for his gracious praise of fellow artists, took the opportunity to heap accolades on SELMA and fellow best actor nominee David Oyelowo. Unfortunately, he made the mistake of wasting a heartfelt response on a miniature mannequin with the gnat-like attention span of most E! viewers. Seacrest cut Cumberbatch off mid-sentence and dismissed him in favor of a throw to co-host Giuliana Rancic, making an ass of herself elsewhere on the red carpet. Speaking of…
GIULIANA RANCIC: Bag Of Bones
When she’s not hawking crappy recliners and love seats for Ashley Furniture, the disturbingly bulbous head of Giuliana Rancic can be seen on E!, the one network that makes Bravo and MTV look smart. Like her on-air cohort Ryan Seacrest, Rancic keeps getting work even though no one can tell you why. She’s not particularly warm, witty or engaging yet there she is, popping up on air like the cable version of a cold sore. While we have no idea (or interest in) what she does in her off hours, it look like eating isn’t a big priority. How else to explain her scary-thin appearance of late? Rancic has always been on the bony side but these days she’s fast approaching the outskirts of Karen Carpenter country. Social media was all over her disappearing act. If her plan is to look like a life-size Bratz doll all we have to say is: mission accomplished.
NANCY GRACE: Gone To Pot
On a good day, Nancy Grace makes us wish for an a-la-carte option to freedom of the press. The self-appointed judge, jury and executioner always has something to say even when she has no idea what the hell she’s talking about. Making matters worse, her mind-numbing blah, blah, blah is packaged with an outsized ego and a smarmy Georgia drawl (that you just know she overplays). Membership in the “STFU Nancy Grace Fan Club” grew exponentially in the past few weeks following a ramp-up of her crusade against marijuana legalization. Armed with research that we’re pretty sure can be sourced to REEFER MADNESS, Grace used her HLN show to misinform the network’s tens of viewers. She even tried some good, old-fashioned stereotyping to breathe life into her bogus boogeyman. When you’re preaching to a “pot is the devil’s weed” crowd, a stoner rap artist is a must-have accessory. That’s where 2 Chainz enters the picture and an already silly story boards the crazy train. Grace opens the segment in hyper-bitch mode and greets level-headed, reality-based responses to her questions by yelling…just because. How dare the scary black man not be scary!
JOHN TRAVOLTA: No Selfie Control
John Travolta is not gay. We repeat: NOT gay. If he’s not being gay while ridding the world of Xenu’s thetans, then he’s not being gay butchering names on award shows. In fact, Travolta is so secure with his complete lack of the gay, he’s willing to share it with the world…even when the situation sounds like a scene from gay porn. While the gays were going about their nocturnal cruising, the not gay actor was hitting the gym for a late-night workout. We know this because of a selfie that made the rounds last week. In it, Travolta is pictured with a much younger gym patron who thought he was alone for his 3 AM workout. Surprise! John Travolta was there too, not cruising for muscle boys and definitely not being gay. So what if it was way, way after hours and the guy just happened to be pretty darn cute? There’s nothing gay about any of that. Just like it’s totally not gay that gym boy had no idea Travolta was even there until the actor approached him and started the chit chat. Sure, that might make this the first time in selfie history where the celebrity stalked the fan but, John Travolta is not gay. Just ask Tom Cruise. He’ll back us up.