SCREAM QUEENS: It’s Young, Dumb and Full Of Scum

RYAN MURPHY COMMITS YET ANOTHER TV HATE CRIME WITH A FLACCID “COMEDY” THAT’S DEAD ON ARRIVAL

AIRS TUESDAYS AT 9PM E/P ON FOX (NEXT-DAY STREAMING ON HULU)

Full disclosure: I despise Ryan Murphy and pretty much anything that bears his prissy paw prints. GLEE was a one-season wonder that quickly wore out its welcome and AMERICAN HORROR STORY is currently the single most reprehensible piece of violent junk on any network, broadcast or cable. Don’t even get me started on mercifully short-lived THE NEW NORMAL. Murphy is full-tilt prickish and insanely self-impressed; a pompous gas bag enabled by PC media mavens and “if it’s queer we must like it” roboqueens who give a pass to almost anything he does simply because his pendulum swings gay. Me? Not so much.

In SCREAM QUEENS, when he’s not ripping off the vastly superior work of others, Murphy goes dumpster diving to borrow from his favorite source: Ryan Murphy. It’s a vulgar, mean-spirited mess cobbled together from the worst bits of POPULAR, GLEE, NIP/TUCK and AHS then spackled with layers  of offensive stereotypes, dated humor and stuff I’m pretty sure was stolen from the cutting room floor of PRETTY LITTLE LIARS. There’s good trash and bad trash and then there’s trash like SCREAM QUEENS: pointless drivel that exists in a depressing class all by itself.

After a brief opening set in 1995 (something about a baby born in a bathtub and a dead sorority girl), things lurch forward to present day at fictional Wallace University. In what passes for a plot, Rubber Man…I mean…the Red Devil Killer is prancing around campus offing characters who all deserve a fate worse than death. SCREAM QUEENS is so convinced of its own brilliance, the creators are completely tone deaf to long stretches that play like a high-pitched screed. You can almost hear the writers laughing at their own jokes and high-fiving themselves for being oh-so-clever. What might be a hootenanny for them is an entirely different experience if you’re on the receiving end of all that vigorous self-love. Watching SCREAM QUEENS is like getting an eyeful of jizz. To quote the immortal words of Miss Coco Peru: “It burns!”

In a direct lift from HARPERS ISLAND, at least one character dies each week. Unfortunately, as of this writing, that fate has yet to befall lead Emma Roberts. She plays sorority hag Chanel Oberlin with all the depth and skill of an ingénue from Central Casting. What she lacks in talent, Roberts more than compensates for in the volume department. Making matters worse, Chanel is obviously Murphy’s favorite character (probably because she reminds him of himself). That means she gets lots of lines, appears in just about every scene and never shuts up. Seriously, someone needs to stuff her pie hole with an apple, sock or ball gag; anything big enough to stop this harpy from talking.

The rest of the cast includes actors dropped into roles created specifically to insult and demean. Murphy continues his sad fascination with reducing black women to scripted versions of the ghetto un-fabulous ladies that populate WETV and VH1. In GLEE, we watched as Mercedes (Amber Riley) inexplicably devolved into “black bitch diva mode.” Here, we have KeKe Palmer as Zayday Williams. When a show has only one black woman featured in a main role, does she have to sound like the shuck and jive sister of Tamar Braxton? Apparently, in a Ryan Murphy production, she does. To seal the deal, Niecy Nash is trotted out to regale us with her tired routine of finger-wagging and head bobbing. Think Martin Lawrence as Shanaynay, but with less subtlety.

The stereotyping continues with just about every other female character, including particularly cruel depictions of the overweight and physically handicapped. Lea Michele plays Hester Ulrich, or “Neck Brace” as she is so lovingly referred to. Why? Because she has scoliosis and wears a very large body brace. Isn’t that pee-your-pants funny? Wait, there’s more! Whitney Meyer plays a character who doesn’t even merit a last name. She exists solely to serve as the butt of deaf jokes before the Red Devil dispatches her with a riding mower. At least her quick exit means she gets off comparatively easy. The same can’t be said for Jan Hoag as Ms. Bean, the sorority housekeeper. She’s a large woman who is verbally and physically abused by Chanel before being offed in a deep fryer. Get it? She’s fat so she has to die in a vat of hot oil. Are you slapping your knees yet? Every scene featuring Ms. Bean is painful to watch. The degradation is heaped upon her for no good reason, including some bizarre GONE WITH THE WIND references that add a dash of racist “humor” to the mix.

Oddly enough, cast members with a penis look super fine here. That’s because the male roles are filled by actors Murphy probably visualizes whenever he needs backroom jackoff fodder. The dudes in SCREAM QUEENS get full, sexy-sounding names and all are visions of physical perfection. The man candy includes: Glenn Powell, Diego Boneta, Lucien Laviscount and Nick Jonas. Truth be told, I like gratuitous male semi-nudity as much as the next gay guy, but I really don’t want to see it through the eyes of a creepy Hollywood hack’s even creepier sex fantasies. The way male characters are photographed and dispatched in SCREAM QUEENS is blatantly fetishistic. Murphy likes them young, buff and bloodied. See the repellant “four way of death” in the premier episode of AHS: HOTEL for further proof. On second thought, don’t. It makes anything in this show look like a walk in the park on a sunny day.

The big casting coup was supposed to be Jamie Lee Curtis. Instead, it’s pretty clear she’s just slumming. My affection and sympathy for her are the only reasons SCREAM QUEENS isn’t getting the “F” it so richly deserves.

Ryan Murphy is a creative charlatan in the classic sense; the favorite son of critics and viewers who flock to the excesses of a medium that celebrates “just because we can” shock and awe. He’s not a gifted director and is only capable of writing the kind of cunty dialogue you find on Tumblr blogs authored by the bitter bitches of tomorrow. SCREAM QUEENS is garbage that attracts self-appointed cool kids like flies to shit. They’ll never admit it (and Murphy is too in love with himself to care) but this is shit that definitely stinks.

 

 

EDITOR’S NOTE:  CHECK OUT THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW FOR LINKS TO SPECIALLY SELECTED ARTICLES AND UPDATES RELATED TO THIS POST. WHILE THERE, FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN THOUGHTS. DON’T SEE THE COMMENT BOX OR ARTICLE LINKS? CLICK HERE THEN SCROLL DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE POST PAGE.

MINORITY REPORT: A Show So Bad It’s Almost a PreCrime

MEAGAN GOOD FIGHTS CRIME (WHILE STRUGGLING TO STEAL FOCUS FROM HER BREASTS) IN THE FIRST BOMB OF THE SEASON

AIRS MONDAYS AT 9PM E/P ON FOX (NEXT-DAY STREAMING ON HULU)

Back in 2002, Tom Cruise starred in MINORITY REPORT. Directed by Steven Spielberg, the film is set in a semi-dystopian future where perps are collared and convicted in advance of their criminal acts (known as PreCrimes) thanks to the predictive powers of a trio of genetic mutants (or PreCogs). It was a surprisingly decent big screen adaptation of a short story written in 1956 by Philip K. Dick. The same can’t be said for the too little, too late “continuation” that landed with a resounding thud on FOX this week. It’s so bad, I had to come up with a drinking game to dull the pain of the pilot. More on that later…

Whenever a movie or TV series kicks off with a history lesson told in voice-over or by a disembodied head (see David Lynch’s disastrous take on DUNE for a classic example) there’s a good chance that what follows is going to suck. MINORITY REPORT raises that red flag to new heights in a bloated preamble that drips with pointless pomposity. Things pick up a decade or so after the PreCrime program has been scuttled and PreCogs have been exiled to a cozy cabin in the woods. Don’t feel bad if none of this makes sense; you won’t care enough about the show to bother with a deep dive into the plot.

Meagan Good plays Lara Vega, a police detective with a rack that won’t quit and a hilariously inappropriate wardrobe that keeps the girls front and center. If any of that sounds sexist, wait until you see the leering camera work every time Good is center stage. It’s a series of POV shots that look like they’re taken from the perspective of a gin-soaked perv at the corner bar. Of course, with the aptly named Stark Sands as co-lead, boobage may be the only thing that keeps you from nodding off. If someone this dirt-dull can land a series role, then there’s hope for every no-talent white boy out there looking to hitch his wagon to a star.

To be fair to Sands, Meagan Good isn’t…well…all that good either. Sure, she’s saddled with some ghastly dialogue but, her entire performance consists of a single expression: sort of like she’s always smelling really stinky cheese.  The rest of the cast includes pretty-boy Nick Zano, mannequin-like as always, and a bulked-up Wilmer Valderrama. He turns in a performance that makes his voice work in HANDY MANNY seem almost Shakespearean by comparison. FOX also tries to squeeze in a few extra diversity points by casting Li Jun Li as Akeela, Det. Vega’s partner in crime fighting. Unfortunately, the role is realized in a way that devolves the character into the latest iteration of offensive Asian female stereotype: the sassy, tech-savvy “Number Two” with a Barbie-bod and tablet firmly in hand. Li’s wardrobe only makes sense if you think micro-minis are a must-have for the effective detective on the go. It’s really not progress when women of any ethnicity are reduced to thinly-written baubles and on-screen accessories.

Production-wise, MINORITY REPORT is only a cut or two above one of those SyFy originals. It’s got a flat, gauzy look that feels flown in from whatever overseas VFX house the broadcast network bean counters are using to cut costs this season. There’s a smattering of mostly lame in-jokes (THE SIMPSONS is still on the air…yuk, yuk) peppered throughout a half-assed vision of the future. The show is set in 2065. Why have public transportation and urban architecture made huge leaps forward but fashion seems stuck somewhere between Wet Seal and Forever 21, circa 2020ish? Technology has clearly advanced well into a virtual space…except for the inexplicably random use of gadgets with touch screens. Of course, in the pilot, interaction with anything added digitally in post production often looks like a bizarre take on the Hand Jive. That does make it a skosh easier to overlook the frequent lapses into lazy land.

About that drinking game: if you insist upon tuning in, have a bottle of booze at the ready. Take a shot anytime a character says “PreCrime” or “PreCog.” You’ll be sloppy drunk by the fifteen minute mark and too sauced to care that watching MINORITY REPORT is a complete waste of precious time you’ll never get back again.

EMPIRE 360: We Go All-In With the Ballsy Breakout Hit

EMPIRE: WATCH! WHERE? WHY?

Have you ever found yourself lost in the unexpected pleasures of an amazing meal? You stumbled upon the restaurant and the food is a delicious surprise. Hooked at first bite, you can’t wait for the next course. The sudsy drama EMPIRE is like that; a gorgeous guilty pleasure tossed with shiny objects and fancy flourishes. There’s some serious brain food in the mix but the juicy, indulgent stuff  is all empty calories wrapped in high-end gloss.  You don’t know why you can’t stop eating but when it tastes this good, who cares?

The EMPIRE 360 is part introductory overview, part series review and our biggest entertainment feature to date. We start with what you need to know about EMPIRE. This section of background basics includes an interactive slide-show with photo-bios of the main characters and quotable one liners. Immediately following is the full-length RONTHINK review. We wrap with a selection of must-read topical articles and blog posts.
 

EMPIRE: AIRS WEDNESDAYS 9PM E/P ON FOX. NEXT DAY STREAMING ON:

EMPIRE: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

 

EMPIRE was created by Lee Daniels, who directed THE BUTLER, and Danny Strong, screenwriter for THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY. Fans of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER will be more familiar with work in front of the camera where he played sorcerer Jonathan Levinson.  The inspiration for the series came from an idea Strong had for a present day version of KING LEAR set in the hip-hop world. Original songs are featured in every episode. Timbaland serves as executive music producer.

Empire Enterprises is a music and entertainment conglomerate run by Lucious Lyon (Terrence Howard), a former drug dealer turned musical artist turned media mogul. His rise to the top is full of dark and ugly stuff, most of which is parsed out in periodic flashbacks. At the outset of the pilot, Lucious is on the verge of realizing his dream of taking the company public. Everything is going according to plan until his doctor delivers devastating news about his health. Lucious is forced to face his own mortality and the threat it poses to Empire. Now, he must decide which of his three sons will succeed him as part of a stable transition plan. Until that happens, his diagnosis must be kept secret.

Things go from bad to “holy shit” when Lucious’ ex-wife Cookie  (Taraji P. Henson) shows up unexpectedly. She’s been in prison for 17 years but was granted an early release. Cookie took the fall when she was arrested running the drugs that bankrolled the start of Lucious’ career and the opening of Empire Enterprises. They started the company together but she reaped none of the rewards. Once Cookie was locked away, Lucious pretty much turned his back on her. Now it’s time for payback and revenge. Cookie wants a piece of the company she helped build and is willing to do whatever it takes to get it.

View our “who’s who” slide show of the main characters on EMPIRE. Meet the entire Lyon family and see why Cookie is already queen of quotables.

 

EMPIRE: THE RONTHINK REVIEW

 

EMPIRE isn’t shy about flashing its upmarket production pedigree. With bragging rights to impressive talent on both sides of the camera, the show has swagger. This gorgeous head-turner lives on the small screen but isn’t confined by it. Each episode is decked out in lush, cinematic style. Key scenes are set in expansive work and living spaces, a creative choice that heightens already outsize drama and brings an epic quality to the proceedings. Top shelf aesthetics give the series gloss but that’s just the eye candy icing on a gleefully badass cake. EMPIRE is easily the most audacious, addicting  and flat-out enjoyable new show of the season.

 

If you haven’t tuned in because you assumed the show would be preachy or teachy, fear not! EMPIRE is, first and foremost, spectacularly entertaining television. That doesn’t mean it’s all style and no substance. Serious  issues are tackled head-on, with frequent visits to places dark, difficult and uncomfortable. Daniels and Strong know how to keep viewers hooked without dumbing things down or turning scenes into patronizing lectures.  Dialogue is smart, sharp and colorful. There are no lapses into self-impressed, pseudointellectual claptrap. If that’s your thing, you should watch GIRLS on HBO or follow Lena Dunham’s Twitter (ego)feed.

 

Every good drama needs a villain and Lucious Lyon is one hell of a baddie. He’s a control freak with a mean streak and a singular focus on his own success. Everyone, including his family, is a pawn in his game.  When he isn’t manipulating something or someone, Lucious can often be found hurling homophobic invective at  his gay son or beating the tar out of some poor sap who pissed him off. Limits? Not this guy. When his old friend Bunkie becomes a problem in need of a permanent solution, Lucious shoots him point blank in the face.  Problem solved!

 

It would be easy for Howard to play Lucious as a total monster but he  opts for a more nuanced approach. He surrounds the character with a façade of respectability. Lucious looks like a stand up guy but he’s really a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Still, there are times when you can empathize with him and the magnitude of his personal baggage.

As good as Howard is, Taraji P. Henson is a dazzling revelation. Despite Oscar and Emmy nominations, the bulk of her work has flown below radar. That’s about to change. Cookie Lyon is a career defining role and Henson’s fearless, balls-out performance will make her a big star. She’s the main event here.

 

Henson turns Cookie into a force of nature. She’s a one woman tempest with a big mouth and bigger dreams. Cookie tosses verbal grenades with military precision and loves to make a really big entrance, invited or not. An unlocked door is all the permission she needs. If you cross her, watch out. Just ask youngest son Hakeem. When their first on-screen meeting jumps the rail, Cookie responds to his verbal abuse with a broomstick beat-down so spectacular it’s awe inspiring. She is, in every sense, one mother of a mother.

 

 

Cookie won’t win any first impression awards but there’s much more to her than sound and fury. Still, the lack of social skills makes sense. Cookie was arrested at a young age. She was poor, undereducated and dealing drugs. When every day is a battle for survival, etiquette lessons aren’t on your to-do list. Prison put her life on pause. Cookie grew older but she didn’t necessarily grow up. Her days were spent in confinement, feeling alone, betrayed and angry. Now that she’s out of prison, Cookie is back among familiar faces but has to figure out how to deal with them in an unfamiliar world.

 

Although Cookie’s has flaws to spare, Henson re-frames these shortcomings in ways that connect them to something real. They become battle scars; physical manifestations of hidden emotional wounds.  Cookie might be strong and act fearless but when she lets her guard down, there are unmistakable flashes of the pain, fear and loss that haunt her. None of that can be written. It’s all in the performance and Henson hits it out of the park.

 

 

The rest of the cast is uniformly strong, with the exception of Bryshere Gray, who plays Hakeem. This is his first professional acting gig and the lack of experience shows. Yes, the character is supposed to be an irresponsible layabout, but that can’t be all there is to Hakeem. Lucious  is convinced his son is a star in the making and someone with the potential to run Empire. As it stands, Gray hasn’t given us much more than a one dimensional version of Hakeem. Without some depth to the character and evidence of hidden greatness, it won’t matter what Lucious thinks. A big chunk of plot becomes a tough sell.

Obviously, EMPIRE is well-stocked with damaged goods in the parent/child relationship department. If the show was a town, they would call it Dysfunction Junction.  Of all the emotional wreckage that litters the proverbial streets of this hapless hamlet, nothing comes close in size to the smoking hulk of twisted darkness that exists between Lucious and Jamal. It’s a toxic tango they’ve danced for years. As a spectator sport, it’s a one sided event. Jamal is the guy you cheer for. Only an asshole would choose Team Lucious.

 

 

As Jamal, Jussie Smollett has taken on a role that is probably the most difficult in the cast. Because there are so many way to make a wrong move with the character, watching Smollett get it right is a pleasure. Jamal is one of the good guys but Smollett doesn’t make him a saint. He’s talented, sensitive and relatively grounded but Jamal can also be stubborn, aloof and an impetuous brat. As characters go, Smollett isn’t sticking to the “GLAAD Guide To Keeping Us Happy If You’re Playing Gay On TV” and we thank him for that. That means no sign of a new Jack, Will, Kurt or either of the gays who sank THE NEW NORMAL. Jamal can stand his ground but there are fleeting moments of shame, self-loathing and fear in the mix. The persona Smollett has created for Jamal feels organic and definitely reminds me of real people I know. That doesn’t often happen with LGBT characters in primetime.

 

As fun as it can be, EMPIRE does not sweep the raw ugliness of homophobia under the rug. There’s frequent use of “sissy” and “bitch” as gay slurs and flashbacks provide disturbing glimpses of the abuse heaped on Jamal when he was a boy. In one particularly horrifying incident, he walks into a family gathering wearing heels and a woman’s head scarf. It’s a totally innocent childhood behavior but Lucious sees something else entirely. He explodes into a blind rage and carries the little boy outside. Cookie makes a frantic attempt to stop Lucious but by the time she catches up with him, he’s already  dumped Jamal head first into a trash can. It’s a shocking and difficult thing to watch but, it’s based on fact. Lee Daniels had a similar boyhood experience at the hands of his father.

 

 

Though gay characters are no longer rarities on television, EMPIRE takes an unusually bold approach that puts it in a class by itself. It’s the first time a broadcast network series has dealt head-on with homophobia in the black community and the hip-hop industry. There are cultural realities at play in both groups that add unique shading to the already difficult process of coming out. This storyline was a priority for Daniels so it’s especially satisfying to see it being realized so vividly and effectively.

 

On the flip side, measuring the success (or failure) of the various hip-hop elements in EMPIRE doesn’t lend itself to a succinct summary. Everyone has an opinion and none of them seem to agree. If you’re a strident hip-hop fan with no sense of humor or flexibility about the music you love, EMPIRE might drive you crazy. With the exception of one hilariously bad video shoot (look for the scene with shirtless male models rolling around in sand), most of the major music-focused sequences look great. Of course,  I’m no hip-hop expert so, I’ll leave passing ultimate judgment to those who are. Personally, I don’t care. Watching EMPIRE and bitching about something not being “authentic” is like complaining that HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER isn’t a “realistic” look at law school. Duh! These are TV dramas, not documentaries.

 

EMPIRE was a huge hit out of the gate. The numbers were strong enough to give FOX a much-needed boost out of the ratings cellar. Post-premiere, the show continues to defy convention with each of two subsequent episodes adding viewers. Though originally promoted as a limited-run event, FOX already renewed EMPIRE for a second season. Of course, that decision was a no-brainer given the numbers. Still, we’re talking about a success story no one really saw coming. There has never been a broadcast network series quite like EMPIRE. It’s set in the hip-hop business, has an almost all-black cast and leads with a front-burner gay storyline. None of that screams “monster hit” yet, that’s exactly what it is. If you haven’t yet boarded this wonderfully wild crazy train, jump on now!

 

EMPIRE is your new TV addiction and it’s waiting for you to get hooked.

 

EMPIRE: MUST READS

In addition to the text links included in this feature, we enjoyed the following posts and thought you might too. To read, click the icon next to each article.

FROM THE WASHINGTON POST: “The Tragedy Behind Fox’s EMPIRE: Lee Daniels’s Father Beat Him For Being Gay”

FROM ABC NEWS AND GOOD MORNING AMERICA: “Why Taraji P. Henson Nearly Turned Down the Role of Cookie in EMPIRE”

FROM MORNING EDITION AND NPR: “Fox's EMPIRE Sets DYNASTY-Style Soap Opera To A Hip-Hop Beat”

FROM THE WIRE AND THE ATLANTIC: “Series Co-Creator Danny Strong On EMPIRE: 'King Lear' Meets Hip Hop Meets DYNASTY”

FROM THEGRIO.COM: “Series Co-Creator Lee Daniels wants EMPIRE to expose homophobia in black America”

 

SUMMER TV 2014: WEDNESDAY BEST BETS

It’s Wednesday and we’ve got something for everyone tonight. Unscripted competition series? Check! Goofy sitcom? Check! Moody police drama? Check! Viva Hump Day!

In addition to this trio of Wednesday “best bets,” you can also check out new episodes of the hit ABC Family sitcoms MELISSA & JOEY and BABY DADDY. Both are holdovers from my 2013 “Summer TV Guilty Pleasures” list and make for a perfect hour of mindless fluff (add a glass or two of pinot to “enhance” the comedic experience).

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE (FOX)

WHY IT'S A BEST BET: Because in a sea of crappy, carbon copy reality shows, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE is one of the few that consistently delivers the goods. The talent on display is off the charts and Cat Deeley remains one of the best hosts in the business. This is a show that celebrates dance, choreography and true artistic vision. It’s never a shoo-in for renewal year to year and, honestly, that’s a real shame.

WHO SHOULD WATCH: Anyone who loves a television experience that mixes heart-tugging personal stories, engaging competition and eye-popping dance moves. SYTYCD crosses all disciplines and is the perfect way to jump the midweek hump. Tonight is only audition week three so it’s still early enough to jump on the “Hot Tamale Train.”

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE airs Wednesdays at 8PM E/P on Fox.

HOT IN CLEVELAND (TV LAND)

WHY IT'S A BEST BET: Because the show is damn funny and Betty White continues to amaze with her razor sharp comic timing. This is that rare sitcom where you know everyone is having the time of their lives. Five seasons in, HOT IN CLEVELAND is still firing on all cylinders and rarely misses an opportunity to engage in some truly loopy fun.

WHO SHOULD WATCH: Anyone who likes the laugh out loud experience of a sitcom classic peppered with big dollops of wholly inappropriate dirty jokes. Each episodes spins a lot of simultaneous plates but somehow manages to bring home the comic bacon. If you’re a comedy snob or total tight ass, this won’t be your cup of yuk yuks.

HOT IN CLEVELAND airs Wednesdays at 10PM E/P on TV Land.

MOTIVE (ABC)

WHY IT'S A BEST BET: Because MOTIVE completes the trio of exceptional summer crime dramas that kicks off on Mondays with MAJOR CRIMES and new hit MURDER IN THE FIRST. The fun twist here is the structure of each episode. Within the first few minutes, the “killer” and “victim” are ID’d (with dramatic on=screen graphics, no less) and the rest of the hour is spent trying to figure out why the crime was committed. It’s a gimmick that works quite well because the conclusion is typically not telegraphed early on. Extra fun: trying to figure out where supporting player Lauren Holly ends and her plastic surgery begins.

WHO SHOULD WATCH: Anyone who likes their crime drama dark, twisty and morally ambiguous. Things are usually wrapped up nicely at the end but, you rarely feel sunshine and roses at the tragic outcome. This Canadian import is beautifully produced and well acted. Leads Kristin Lehman and Louis Ferreria look the part and do fantastic work every week. It’s also refreshing to watch a police drama that never plays the “woman in peril” card.

This is A-list, must-see stuff.

MOTIVE airs Wednesdays at 10PM on ABC

TV REVIEW: COSMOS [FOX]

IN TWEET: “COSMOS” IS AN EARNEST AND AMBITIOUS EXPERIMENT BY FOX. IT SWINGS FOR THE FENCES BUT FAILS TO SOAR.

I’m an unabashed science and space geek. That’s why I got so excited at the prospect of an updated take on the classic Carl Sagan series COSMOS. Even better, Fox was going to do something unheard of: air the series in prime on Sunday nights. While the network gets an “A” for effort, this version of COSMOS left me cold.

The opening hour was a disjointed affair that seemed to function as little more than six potential introductions for whatever direction the rest of the series decides to go in. There was the obligatory tour of planets and our solar system, an overlong animated segment dedicated to Giordano Bruno and quite a bit of intrusion by host/narrator Neil deGrasse Tyson. It all felt a little too random and a little too surface. I get the point of a set-up installment but, a pilot episode of any kind can’t be rudderless and drive long term viewership.

I like Dr. Tyson quite a bit (check out the excellent NOVA episode “The Pluto Files” if you’re not yet familiar with him) but, as our COSMOS tour guide, I kept wishing he’d get out of the way and let the visuals tell the story. Even worse, someone thought it would be a great idea to drop Dr. Tyson into a cheesy green screen holodeck for our journey through space and time. It felt more EPCOT than epic. That the exterior of this “ship of the imagination” looks like a cross between Queen Amidala’s Royal Starship and a suppository, doesn’t help matters any.

Production values are fine but surprisingly unremarkable. Save for a stunning (and all too brief) zoom-in on Jupiter’s Great Red Spot, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before. There were also some questionable choices in the locations department. Why, for instance, would you send Dr. Tyson to Italy and then limit him to wandering around what looked like back alley parking lots?

Seth MacFarlane is on board as one of the series executive producers which is why, I suspect, there are several extended animation sequences. I’m all for getting rid of silly re-enactments but, switching out low-rent live action with low-rent cartoons doesn’t render a sequence any more effective. In fact, where the story of Giordano Bruno is concerned, it ended up trivializing what could have been a compelling account of the conflict between science and religion. It’s an age-old battle that still rages to this day. It certainly would have given the lunatic fringe something else to whine about aside from President Obama’s brief on-air intro.

I hate to come down too hard on COSMOS because we certainly need more intelligent programming on television, especially in broadcast prime. Still, I can’t  give the series a pass just because it’s a peg that fills a hole. By no means is COSMOS terrible. It still has a dozen episodes to find its footing and make up for the missed opportunities in hour one. I’ll certainly check out the next few installments but I’m already lowering my expectations.

COSMOS airs Sundays at 9PM E/P on Fox and re-airs Mondays at 10PM E/P on the National Geographic Channel.

RONTHINK GRADE: B-

TV REVIEW: SLEEPY HOLLOW [FOX]

IN TWEET: THE NEW HEADLESS HORSEMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE DRAMA “SLEEPY HOLLOW” IS OFF TO A STRONG START.

Every so often, a completely preposterous series concept turns out to be one of those rare pleasant surprises. Based on the sometimes dark and sometimes rollicking pilot, SLEEPY HOLLOW on FOX could very well be one of them. This isn’t the next LOST or even the next BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER and, truth be told, it doesn’t aspire to be like either of those iconic shows. It’s barely half as deep as the former and not nearly as witty as the latter. Still, SLEEPY HOLLOW is immensely charming (even with the frequent beheadings) and a heck of a lot of fun.

The pilot opens with a pitched battle between Ichabod Crane (Tom Mison) and a masked Hessian during the Revolutionary War. In short order, Crane lops off the head of his foe and is next seen rising from the thawed earth in a dank cave (see video at the end of this post). The twist: he has been in a flash-frozen slumber for more than 200 years and wakes up in present-day Westchester County, NY (played by various North Carolina locations). Why stick to one Washington Irving classic when you can borrow from two?

After almost becoming a pavement pancake courtesy of modern vehicular traffic, Crane eventually ends up as the prime suspect in a twin beheading. One of the victims is town Sheriff August Corbin (Clancy Brown). His protégé, Deputy Abbie Mills (Nicole Beharie), was there when he was murdered and knows the truth: a headless horseman is the real killer. Problem is, she can’t make any sense of what she has witnessed and initially refuses to corroborate Crane’s plea of innocence. There’s more to her reluctance here than simple denial but I won’t spoil too much of her intriguing backstory.

Things move at a brisk pace throughout the opening hour and, thankfully, we’re not subjected to one of those draggy tales of “no one believes I pulled a Rip Van Winkle and am really 200+ years old.” Abbie eventually comes around, but not before most of the supporting cast is offed, one friend betrays her and a well-pickled severed head is unearthed by Crane. By the time we reach the end of the pilot, it's clear that this is going to be less about a time traveling Revolutionary War vet and more about Satanic beasties, battling witch covens and four horseman you won’t see at any rodeo.

Some of SLEEPY HOLLOW is silly. There’s the atmospheric storm effects that look like they were lifted from an old Universal horror film (you know, where thunder and lighting happen simultaneously), an unintentionally hilarious scene where a priest goes all Jedi Yoda and a dated Starbucks joke. Still, even with these lapses, the show never loses steam. SLEEPY HOLLOW is on a mission to entertain and doesn’t waste too much time lugging around plot or dialogue baggage that might weigh it down. It’s also not afraid to go dark and scary when appropriate. Nice touches and clever visual flourishes balance out the chop chop; like one beheading shown from the perspective of the beheaded…even after their head falls off.

Equally well handled is the fact that Crane is now living in a very different world from the one he knew. We are spared an assault of non-stop “wow, what’s that doohickey” prattle. Instead, we get subtle and endearing moments, like Crane’s inability to unlock a car door, or the terrific scene where he first meets Abbie. His reaction to seeing a black female police officer is priceless and their banter about slavery and historical perspective is executed with deft skill and not a whiff of preachy cheese.

As Ichabod Crane, Tom Mison is well cast and quirk free. He’s not channeling Johnny Depp (thankfully) or any other previous iteration of the character. His Crane is smart, assured and brave to a fault. Mison is handsome (but not too pretty) and deftly balances the cocksure bravado of a high-ranking military officer with the slack-jawed awe of a true fish out of water. Mison plays the part with effortless charm and spot-on earnestness. Camp and vamp would sink this ship and he never falls into that trap, nor do the writers.

The real find here is Nicole Beharie. Like Mison, she knows that sometimes less is more and avoids every scenery chewing trap that would trip up a lesser talent. You are with her from the start and she's a pleasure to watch. Not only is she is exactly right for the part, she also happens to NOT be a hot blond chick. It’s beyond refreshing to see a series kick a tired character crutch to the curb and opt, instead,  to cast based on talent. In fact, the only place a tony Westchester, NY town this diverse exists is on SLEEPY HOLLOW. That's a shame, really. More network shows should wake up, smell the proverbial coffee and adopt similar color-blind casting practices. 

Considering all of the ways SLEEPY HOLLOW could have mucked it up, that it’s this good out of the gate bodes well for the future. It could have been a weak disappointment like GRIMM or REVOLUTION but it isn’t. The “coming this season” trailer at the end of the hour more than hints at the supernatural horrors ahead. Let’s hope SLEEPY HOLLOW continues to keep it’s eyes on the prize and doesn’t stray down the primrose path to becoming an overstuffed bore like my former favorite ONCE UPON A TIME did last season. So far, I’m all in.

SLEEPY HOLLOW airs Mondays at 9PM E/P on FOX.

RONTHINK GRADE: A-