March 17, 2014


Welcome to a special St. Patrick’s Day edition of “The Toolbox.” Up first, we’ve got anti-gay antics from Irish-American groups in two of the most liberal cities in the U.S. Our super-inclusive “parade” also includes the politicians and pundits responsible for some of the most ham-handed bouts of bigotry and ignorance that made headlines last week. Grab a Guinness and see who we cold-cock with a shamrock. Bain sult as!

Green with hatred

Boston and New York are two of the most socially progressive cities in the U.S. They’re also ground zero for an annual battle between organizers of local St. Patrick’s Day parades and LGBT groups who want to march openly in them. Yes, even in these gay-marrying, tree-hugging bastions of uber Liberalism, homophobia crawls out of a hole once a year to remind everyone that it’s alive and well (and not just a “Southern thing”).

This year, the muckety mucks behind both parades took it on the chin. In Boston, Mayor Marty Walsh refused to march and the Boston Beer Company (brewer of Sam Adams) pulled its sponsorship. In New York City, Mayor Bill de Blasio boycotted the parade and corporate underwriter Guinness took a last-minute powder. Walsh, to his credit, attempted to broker a deal that would have allowed 20 LGBT veterans to march. Things fell apart when the South Boston Allied War Veterans Council refused to back down on a requirement that they keep their sexual orientation hush hush. Apparently, men and women who fought bravely for our country didn’t think being shoved back in the closet was worth the price of admission.

Paul Ryan

After being one half of the losing Romney/Ryan ticket, Paul Ryan laid low for awhile. Apparently, he was honing his ability to craft budget proposals that defy the laws of mathematics and stick it to the poor. Ryan has already taught us that transfers of wealth are bad (unless the transfer is from the mouths of the hungry and into the offshore bank accounts of the rich) and welfare programs are the downfall of Western civilization (with the exception of corporate welfare and oil subsidies, which are super keen). Returning to the media spotlight all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, Paul Ryan has added heaping dollops of racial stereotyping to his shopworn repertoire. Poverty is the fault of all those lazy “inner-city” men (translation: black guys) and inspiration for his newest hair-brained budget scheme is derived, in part, from a guy who thinks black folks are genetically inferior to whites. Apparently Paul Ryan’s P90X workout builds the body at the expense of the brain.

Bill O'Reilly

Bill O’Reilly is an angry man. No matter how blue the sky or gentle the breeze, this grouchy sonofabitch exists in a state of perpetual panty twist. He gets especially freaked out when President Obama does anything that gives the Right a dose of well-deserved comeuppance. Last week, things got particularly ugly in Billville. You see, the Fox News blowhard was outraged that Obama sat down for a satirical interview with Zach Galifianakis at Funny Or Die. The “wink-wink, nudge-nudge” excuse for the flip out had something to do with the denigration of the office of President. Of course, the real reason for O’Reilly’s piss and vinegar was the runaway success of the video clip itself. It went viral in less than 24 hours and drove big traffic to (aka the only thing RWNJs demonize more than Benghazi and the IRS). Bill stomped and clomped like the little bitch that he is, all the while helping to propel the Funny Or Die stunt even higher into the SEO stratosphere. Jim Brown

Until last week, no one outside Arizona had heard of Jim Brown. He’s a Republican running for state office there. Fresh off the “Our Made-Up Version of the Bible Allows Us To Deny Service To Gays” legislative debacle, Brown decided that it was time to remind everyone in the U.S. that The Grand Canyon State also has a rich history of racism. It’s bad enough that he took to Facebook and contributed his two cents to a meme that is currently sizzlin’ hot with Righties: social welfare programs are like modern day slavery. Brown gave things his own special spin by waxing poetic about the good ol’ days down on the plantation. You know, where the slaves weren’t beaten (except in “isolated cases’) and owners “took pretty good care of their slaves and livestock.” If things were indeed so ducky back in the day, might I suggest we shackle Jim Brown, throw him into the dank hold of a ship, drop him off in a foreign land and then subject him to all the fun and frolic that was day to day life for slaves in the South. Guess who’d shut his pie hole really fast and stop whistling Dixie?

Michele Bachmann

Oh, Michele, you bat shit crazy freak of nature! Just when you think this imbecile has said it all, she finds a hot mic and spits out a new gem of far right insanity. Like Jim Brown, her latest comments came in the wake of Arizona Governor Jan Brewer vetoing the anti-gay SB1062. To her credit, Bachmann didn’t stray off topic. She kept her feet planted firmly on the fertile ground of homophobia. You see, according to MiMi, Brewer nixing the legislation is just another example of how the gay community has “bullied the American people” and “intimidated politicians.” Apparently, we’re so effective at our strong-arm tactics that we think we “get to dictate the agenda everywhere.” Honey, were that even remotely true, you and your closet-case husband would have been exiled to a tiny, arid island a long time ago.

Look for another edition of “The Toolbox” coming soon. CLICK HERE to see other tools we’ve thrown in the box.