March 15, 2014


It takes all kinds of tools to fill a toolbox. This new regular feature is dedicated to the foibles, failures and fantastic feats of stupidity that make jaws drop and drive Twitter tweeters to hyper-tweet. Up first: a trio we just had to hammer.

Scott Brown

The former centerfold model and not-quite-half-term Senator from Massachusetts got his ass handed to him by Elizabeth Warren in 2012. Brown hopped in his truck and fled to Fox News, tail curled firmly between his legs. Despite having a national cable network platform, Scotty still hungered for the hallowed halls of Capitol Hill. So, what’s a loser got to do to get back in the DC saddle? If you’re Brown, you pack up your carpetbag and move north to New Hampshire. He’s exploring a run to try and unseat semi-popular Democrat Jeanne Shaheen in November. Sith Lord Scott’s evil master plan hinges on Granite State voters accepting him as one of their own and no one from Massachusetts reminding them that he’s pretty much an empty suit (with a mean streak). That’s a tall order for anyone to pull off in a New England state with a savvy electorate and an intense dislike of blatantly opportunistic outsiders. Hey, if he loses, Brown can always strip down and head back to Cosmo.

Sarah Palin

We couldn’t possibly launch a feature like this without including Her Royal Dipshitness, Lady Palin. Look, there’s no need to mince words here: everyone’s least favorite quitter is as dumb as a box of rocks. Not only is Palin a moron, she’s damn proud of it. Need evidence? Witness her shrill and just-right-of-insane rant at the recently wrapped CPAC freak show. Never mind her cribbed riff on “Green Eggs and Ham” (a book, it is worth nothing, she is clearly too stupid to comprehend), Palin capped a week of anti-Obama insults and creepy Putin love by making a pitch to the ultra right for a good old fashioned nuclear war. Yes folks, in her teeny, tiny brain “the only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.” Ah, if only the moose and wolves in Alaska could fire back.

Lady GaGa

I’m not gonna knock GaGa’s talent. She has one formidable set of pipes. However, that doesn’t mean she can’t be a narcissistic and hypocritical jackass. Her “love yourself” shtick and asinine fashion choices always struck me as disingenuous gimmicks that quickly grew tiresome. Look, a meat dress! Yawn. Still, the club queens ate everything on the GaGa buffet and, for awhile, none of the negative poo flung at her seemed to stick. Inevitably, a pissed off former assistant went nuclear and album sales started to fall off. Her flagship “Born This Way Foundation” is in a nasty PR tailspin. There were also social media rants that revealed a deep well of paranoia and the epic WTF?! she served up at SXSW this week. Fans complained about humiliating social media stunts and a Doritos sponsorship gone horribly wrong. That corporate tie-in didn’t stop GaGa from admonishing artists about selling out and glossing over her own hypocrisy on the subject. Did I mention the on-stage vomit stunt? Enough said.

Look for another edition of “The Toolbox” coming soon!