March 24, 2014


“The Toolbox” is our weekly drill down of celebrities, politicians and other news makers who are trending for all the wrong reasons. From questionable thinking and general stupidity to ham-handed decision making and a death long in coming, these five individuals are among the biggest losers of the past seven days.

Anna Wintour

Sure, Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour can make or break a designer with a snap of her bony fingers but, even she can become a fashion victim. Witness the outcry from all quarters regarding the April issue of Conde Naste’s flagship glossy. What’s all the bitching about? The cover “models” are Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, two mind-numbing idiots who somehow captured Wintour’s clearly questionable imagination. Critics were even more peeved by her editor’s letter, a hooty bit of prose made even more laugh-out-loud hilarious because every word was meant to be taken seriously. When Buffy wants to put a stake in the heart of your publication, you know you’ve gone epic fail. On the up side, Seth Rogan and James Franco had a Photoshop field day at Vogue’s expense.

Scott Greenberg

Speaking of failures, the movers and shakers at GOP High Command apparently figured out that the likes of Victoria Jackson, Mary Lou Retton and Tony Danza aren’t exactly catnip for young voters. What’s a party dominated by white geezers and bunker dwellers to do when attracting elusive millennials is key to long term viability? Enter Scott Greenberg, a douchey 30-something with slicked back hair and hipster glasses. He’s the star of a new ad campaign that’s designed to let the young’uns know it’s OK to vote Republican…at least that’s what it was supposed to do. The social media reaction was brutally vicious and online media outlets had a field day. Greenberg has already become a punching bag for comedians and we’ve barely known him a week. Without even trying, the Right has a “pajama boy” of its very own. Way to win one for The Gipper!

Bobby Jindal

Let’s keep it in the Republican family and give Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal his moment in the spotlight. Despite the fact that Jindal says something asinine almost every time he opens his mouth, it’s his questionable actions of late that earned him a spot on our list. You see, the liberal organization decided to roll out a media campaign critical of Jindal’s refusal to embrace the Obamacare Medicaid expansion. The ads are a parody of the state’s tourism motto and logo. Apparently, the truth hurt the thin-skinned governor enough that the state of Louisiana has filed a lawsuit against on the grounds that they are unlawfully using a protected service mark. Never mind that the legal action is a huge waste of money for a cash-strapped state. It’s also given Jindal’s critics a ton of free publicity and made the ad campaign even more effective. Smooth move, Gov.

Richard Quest

Richard Quest is very British, very brash and very annoying. He’s a talking head on CNN with a gaping grin that would give The Joker nightmares. You might remember him from his arrest for meth possession back in 2008. Though Quest is primarily a business reporter, the disappearance of Malaysian Airlines flight 370 has apparently awoken his inner aviation expert. Yes folks, only at CNN could helming a monthly show on business travel suddenly make you a go-to guy for commentary on one of the most baffling mysteries in the history of air travel. It doesn’t help matters that Quest punctuates every word of the bullshit he spews with invisible exclamation points. HE’S! THAT! CONVINCED! EVERY! WORD! HE! SPEAKS! IS! A! PEARL! OF! WISDOM! In reality he’s just another cable network gas bag who earns a living passing off rampant speculation as real news.

Fred Phelps

Fred Phelps is the founder of a cult of inbred wackos known as the Westboro Baptist Church. You might know these folks better as the “God hates fags” contingent. Last week, for the first time in his life, Phelps finally did something good. He died.

Look for another edition of “The Toolbox” next week. CLICK HERE to see all the tools we’ve profiled.